onset

Now that the reality of the situation is sinking in...  Wow, daunting.  And three weeks until I can ask to see if there's a heartbeat.  Three nerve-wracking weeks before I know if this baby will go the distance or not.  I think being ignorant of the pitfalls of pregnancy during the first go-around was bliss.  Then, there was no doubt that I would have a baby and that baby would be healthy and wonderful*.

I don't know if I could handle anything less than perfection a second time around.  I'm thirty-three years old.  I don't know how much more daring-do I've got left.

And then, of course, is the second emotion floating in my head...  That I'm betraying Boo.  That he'll think I'm replacing him, my sunshine.  When initially trying to convince Erik that a second child would be a good idea, I would cajole him with "I've got two arms."  And that's true, and there's no limit on loving your child/ren.  You just do until it pours out of you and it feels like it will rip you apart with its intensity.  But what if Boo doesn't see that?  What if he gets petty and jealous and angry (and I know he will for a while - it's a normal response) with me forever?  What if he sees it as me turning my back on him?  He's such a momma's boy, my boy.  I don't want to lose his love.  And I know I won't, not for having another child.

But these are my fears.  I want to things right (but I won't aim for perfection because THAT ideal doesn't really exist).  In the end, all I've got will be my family, warts and all.  I want there to be love and trust and understanding.  I want Boo to know that I'll always be there for him, as well as Baby #2, for as long as I have breath in my body.   

*(And now, 2 1/2 years later, he has surpassed any speculation or expectations.  Boo is a gift.  A sassy, sassy gift.)