calming down

It seems like about every month halfway through, at the miscarriage anniversary mark, my heart fills with a heaviness - this miserable ache that's hard to shake.  Add to that we're now actively trying to conceive again, this being my "fertile" time, there's an added sense of desperate urgency.  It's also fueled by the amazing and wonderful news of amazing and wonderful women around me expecting their own amazing and wonderful babies.  And I'm happy for that, I am.  It's not their fault that I'm jealous and tote around melancholy like it's in fashion.

But there's one thing I'm coming to realize, here in the now with the idea that OMG I HAVE TO HAVE ANOTHER BABY SOON is that *deep breath* it will happen right when it's damn well supposed to do so.  You get the child you deserve, not the one you think you need.

These past few months have been a really eye-opening time for soul-searching.  I have been extremely short of temper with Finn, short of fuse, ready to snap.  And that's not fair to him.  He doesn't deserve that.  How do I expect the Universe to grace me with another child if I can't appreciate and enjoy the one I have?  Yes, he's (almost) three and makes me grit my teeth, but I'm the adult and I am the one who needs to rise above the urge to scream and yell and stomp.  It's really sad when you and your toddler are having a heated contest of wills, and it's not just because he won't brush his teeth.

So, patience.  As we approach the new year, putting to bed all that is dying, I am trying to put to bed my hurt and my anger, to take deep breaths and to remember that life is to be enjoyed, not endured.  I am trying to laugh more, stop bemoaning my lot as much, and just shove on forward.  I am broke and I don't like working second shift.  But I have amazing friends and family, I have a job (with which I am lucky enough to be able to support my family), and work is progressing on my house.  There is tangible and palpable evidence that there are REASONS to shove on forward.  Good times will come, good things will happen, and any child that may happen to arrive will be worth the wait.