loss

I feel like such a hysterical knee-jerker.  I feel the symptoms and I want the result, but the test is showing a negative.  It's still early, still early.  What gives body?

*******

Since Erik's grandmother died, I've found myself in this weird headspace.  I mean, as far as grandma goes, I have no regrets as to our relationship or where we stood.  There's no unclosed closure, no misunderstandings.  Two days before she passed, I was able to give her a hug and kiss her goodbye and tell her I loved her.  

Doing that, however, made me realize that being ABLE to do such is quite the luxury and that, even over eight years later, I still have these tiny regrets over my own mother.  Because her death was an accident, I had no warning, no parting words or hugs & kisses.  I have this slight lingering thing where I self-flagellate for not having answered the phone, for not having made time for her, to talk or to visit.  The last time I saw her was two weeks before, at my house, and I remember the last words I said to her.  "You be careful," I said as I hugged her tight.  "Always," she replied as she gave me a kiss.  And that was it.  I let the answering machine pick up her phone calls because I couldn't be "bothered" with her hour-long gab-fests.  Bothered.  By my own mother.  Oh, how I wish I had known.  I would have let her talk into the wee hours of dawn if I had known.  

As for those phonecalls, my mother was just lonely, and I was her daughter.  I was born on her birthday, and we'd always shared a special bond.  Thing is, as with a good portion of new adults, you fell that you have to distance yourself from your parents before returning to them, to gain an identity, to be able to communicate as adults instead of parent/child.  I did that, too, but I was returning.  Her death stopped us from achieving completion.

But, as with accidents, there is no way of knowing.  That's what an accident is, and it's not like you expect to be planning a funeral for your 55 year old mother who had survived an abusive marriage as well as a battle with breast cancer.  How could you?  And so something I'm still struggling with is that I didn't get to say goodbye, and I can only hope and conjecture that she knew how much I loved her (and still do love her).  Sometimes I still see signs that remind me of her, and I like to think that she's putting them out there just for me, to let me know she's there, that she loves me, and that she understands.