trying

Y'know, when you're trying to get pregnant, and it's just not happening, it doesn't really help that it then seems like every damn woman around you is getting pregnant before you.  In an irrational way, in the way the mind tends to be, you think, "It's so not fair."  As if conceiving a child is a game, or something you can measure by a term like "fair."

It doesn't help that with this winter dragging on (and February, being the shortest month, feels like the freakin' longest), morale is down in the dumps.  Erik and I are both snippy and crabby and feeling down.  I think the "push" this month was too full-frontal, too tacky, too much.  There was nothing joyous about it, and therefore, nothing will come to fruition.  I know this. 

My problem is I really do want it too much.  In a desperately needy way.  I vacillate between being okay with it happening when it will and then panicking that because it hasn't happened already, it won't happen at all.  Pure bollocks, I know.  I know!  Take a chill already, right? 

And I AM enjoying Boo and my time with him.  He's just so amazing.  With his expanding vocabulary and ability to communicate, this is a new time of wonder, like all the other times of wonders for different reasons.  We broke out the Little People stuff that we'd packed away, and now we have to play a lot with him.  You take a figure and he'll take a figure and you'll talk.  His pretend voice starts with a low "Hi," and it cracks me the hell up every. damn. time.  I love that kid so much.  He's my all.

So when I feel needy and nutty, I just have to remember to breathe, that I have plenty right now, and an extra plenty would be an added bonus.  To quote Finding Nemo...  "Just keep swimming."