crumple

I think I finally need to admit it...  I'm diving toward a depression.  I am angry, I am oversensitive, I want to hide from the world and all interaction...

I am not well.  I know that.  And I knew this would be hard, these weeks, knowing that if all had gone well, I'd have a baby in my arms right about now.  I knew it would suck...  I was just hoping that I'd be pregnant again by now so the blow wouldn't be so harsh.

But here we are, and I have no baby (since there was no baby in the first place) and no pregnancy to promise a baby.  I have been desperately flailing, blindly groping for a result and an answer, and it's too much.  How do I deserve anything that I wish for when I feel so greedy about it?  When I look at the world and start to ask questions about fairness?  I know the world is not fair or partial.  I know I'm not owed anything, and I know that things will happen when they will.

But my heart, it hurts.  My head is not right.  This healing shit is taking too long, too long.  I don't have time for this.  I want joy in my life, honest laughter, to feel like I'm involved.  And this failure, even just the way I'm feeling...  It's got me thinking I'm on the outside of something, and that's all I'll ever be - is looking in on everyone else.  I thought I would outgrow that, but I guess I won't ever.

I just want to cry and to sleep.  I want someone to take the time to tell me it'll be all right.  It gets so hard being so strong all the time.