backslide

I'm trying to look at a bigger picture. 

Why?  See, Erik lost his job today.  Or, I should say, they let him go.  Not for anything he did or didn't do, mind, but because the small company he worked for really overextended themselves and hired him when they really shouldn't have done so.  They're not busy enough for his graphic artistry, and he doesn't want to learn how to run the production machines.

So here we are, back at the drawing board.  Back to being restrained in our purchases (which, honestly, we should have done anyway), back to my income alone (albeit, there will be supplementation from Erik's respite work with BJ), back to me REALLY feeling the crunch of wanting to be home myself instead of working.

Crossing my fingers that Erik finds a new job soon, and that it pays so awesome that I can FINALLY do what I have wanted to do for a long time - work part-time.  Oh please oh please oh please.

And Mercury Retrograde, damn you to the ends of the Earth!

in it to win it

If there is one thing I am sure of, it is that this summer is going to be more than just coasting by.  Erik, Boo, and I are going to DO things.  We are going to LEAVE THE HOUSE and be active.  We are going to hit splashpads, waterparks, zoos, museums, see friends and family, and enjoy each others' company.  Erik and I are going to remember that life is about experience, and Boo's got a lot to catch up on (compared to us).

Last year I spent most of my time still reeling, in shock from the transition from bakery to deli, from one company to the next, to working a solid wall of second shift and feeling cut off from the world.  Well, y'know, not much has changed in my work situation since then, but dammit, I am so SICK of it dictating how I am and what my outlook is like.  I AM NOT MY JOB.  I work to live, but I'll be damned if I live to work.  My first priority will always be to myself and my family.  My guys are the gravy to my potatoes, the peanut butter to my jelly, and if my mother's death taught me anything, it was to enjoy every damn minute because who the hell knows when it will be your last.

Rise and shine, World.  I'm on my way.

dreams

I was in labor, giving birth vaginally despite the whole "You can't have a vbac!" thing... because I was having a girl.  I distinctly remember the feel of the baby entering the birth canal, the crowning, and then the actual birth itself.  These sensations were so vivid.

And then we all saw that the baby was a boy instead.  And they clucked at me for fooling them into having a vbac birth instead of a c-section (because, obviously, having a boy made it dangerous).  I ignored them and welcomed the baby by name, his face still covered in white vernix and absolutely beautiful.

Then I woke up.

over it

Some days it really is overwhelming and daunting that I am the primary breadwinner.  I am sick of being the one to pay all the bills, to buy all the treats, to pay for all medical bills with MY flex money, and to tuck some money aside for "us" as well as Boo.

Yes, Erik has a job.  Sure, he buys the groceries...  Sure, sometimes he remembers to give me some money to help pay for the fancy phone and phone plan we HAD to have...  But sometimes is not regular enough, and it's still just me, paying everything.

I want to be the one who works four hours a day and then comes home and spends the rest of the day with my son, fitting in a nap and some tv.  I want to be the one where, if I wake up too early (or, like today, Boo wakes up too early), I don't feel like the world is ending because I'm over-tired and still have to deal with entitled customers instead getting an hour or so of much-needed shuteye.

I am sick of being the one to tow the line.  It's been four years now.  I'm over it already.  I want a fucking reprieve.  I want validation, that all this has been for something and that sometime soon I will get some kind of reward.  And I want to feel like I'm not whining when I express what I want.