let it snow.

This kid rocks my world.  Happy New Year.

+++

From Neil Gaiman:

"I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

"Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You're doing things you've never done before, and more importantly, you're Doing Something.

"So that's my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody's ever made before. Don't freeze, don't stop, don't worry that it isn't good enough, or it isn't perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

"Whatever it is you're scared of doing, Do it.

"Make your mistakes, nextyear and forever."

satellite

12-27-2011, day one.

Which sort of means that today was a highly rash and emotional day, filled with random crying, random teeth gnashing, and random oh-woe-is-me.  Because that's what hormones do to a woman when she's surfing the crimson tide.

I'm about to make my peace with Boo being an only child, in as much as I am not sure I can take the heartache every month, the feeling of loss and unfairness.  The meek won't inherit the earth because the meek don't breed indiscriminately, it seems.  But anyway, I do know that I'm blessed with my son, as he's MOSTLY good MOST of the time, and it could be much, much worse.

Even when he fiddles with his glasses constantly even though he knows he should be keeping them on his face.  Even when he continues to do so in the face of just having had his first pair replaced because they broke and a stern warning to leave the damn things on his cute little face.  *sigh*

Anyway, yeah.

Then there's the part of me that thinks maybe the universe is trying to give me a girl for my birthday, something along the lines of my mother and I.  (I was born on her 30th birthday.)  But, y'know, reading into things and such.  Maybe I should worry about my clogged tear duct instead, going to the dentist for the first time in two years, or finishing my damn kitchen.  Because that stuff needs to get done, too.

Sad but true.

oink

In the whole light of being more zen about the lack of a baby forming in my womb, I am trying not to be overly jealous or full of impotent rage when it comes to hearing other women bouncingly announce that they're pregnant.

So, my friend is pregnant, and she's 8 weeks along.  I am SOOO happy for her.  But then another one of her friends whom I have become friends with is now pregnant, maybe 6 weeks along, and while I know that her and her husband have been trying for a long time, beyond being happy for her, I feel this seething jealous anger...  My fucking body - it feels like it thrills in failing me.  Which, I know it's NOT like that, but still, emotions are silly.  Erik and I tried for a while, and then I had a miscarriage, and now we're trying again...  And I know it doesn't help that when it's my "fertile time", we end up only having sex once because we're either tired, or my tear duct plugs up and I'm in agony, or Boo vomits all over me and we're both worried for him rather than the business of getting it on.  I know that life gets in the way.

I know.  But still, there's a sadness, and a feeling of "when is it my turn?"  And y'know, maybe that's the problem.  Greedy, greedy.

different focus

I am trying to be not so obsessive about the baby thing.  And, y'know, for the most part it's been working, but that's because one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world is now around 8 weeks pregnant and I am fucking overjoyed for her and OMG so excited!

Also, there's been the business of the kitchen.  As in, we're heavy, heavy, heavy into the remodel.  Way deep.  Basically, we gutted the kitchen and now we're piecing it back together as we have time and money.  The push is on to get it even 80% completed by New Year's Eve because Erik and I are hosting my family's festivities.  And it will be an operational kitchen.  We have our beautiful new gas stove, we have our new (to us) cabinets, our sink and faucet.  Soon we'll even repaint the refrigerator (chalkboard paint for the win!) and maybe get our dishwasher.  The countertop is on order.  Things are definitely falling into place, and I am loving what I am seeing.  It is going to be a kitchen we can love and use instead of endure, like the one we just ripped out.

So, yes, there has been that.  It's been a worthy distraction.  And, well, it really ISN'T the end of the world if we don't have another baby.  But I'd still really like one.  We'll see what the Universe brings.