stats

Eight weeks, four days.
I've gained seven pounds (since last November).
Too early to check for a heartbeat.
Had blood drawn - oh joy.
Next appointment is July 27th, with my actual OB-GYN.

stitch 'n blocks

Boo got his first stitch/ER visit on Saturday.  Something about a tumble off his wooden stepstool and busting the skin near his left eye open on a corner.  The wound itself wasn't actually too bad, but being that he's 2 1/2 and I didn't want the wound to split back open or get infected and fester, to the ER we went.  Three hours later, he was stitched up and sucking on a popsicle the nurse gave him.  He's such a trooper.  I honestly think he's going to be upset when he doesn't have to wear a bandage on his face anymore.  He loves picking out what kind to put on.

In all, though, it's an experience I can go without reliving.  At all.

On another front, we went to the in-law's yesterday to do the Father's Day thing.  Since Erik's brother and family were there, and Great-Grandma S, it was a *perfect* time to spill the beans.

His parents have, for each grandchild, wooden blocks with letters set in the kids' room, first name and middle.  So, hey, we had some blocks and Boo didn't really play with them, and hey, they spelled the name we've picked out (first name only, which will go for either boy or girl, yes; middle name will depend on the sex).  I put them in a gift bag and had them figure out what it meant.   And they got it.  His dad even puzzled out the name.  Needless to say, they're happy.  Except maybe my nephew R, but he's four.  All four-year olds are assholes.

Now if I could only be so sure that my family will be so receptive, especially considering my brothers' reactions when I told them we were going to be trying for #2.  Oh well, we'll see.  I mean, what can they do?  If everything goes well, baby'll be here whether they like it or not.

bleargh

I seriously don't remember being this tired and wiped out or sicky feeling when I was pregnant with Boo.  Maybe I'm blocking that part out.  I DO remember being slightly resentful for being a slave to food, at least in the first trimester.  Seriously, it's a bitch.  And then, if you don't eat in a timely fashion, you feel sick.  Yeah yeah, I'm growing a person.  Still.  Ugh.

onset

Now that the reality of the situation is sinking in...  Wow, daunting.  And three weeks until I can ask to see if there's a heartbeat.  Three nerve-wracking weeks before I know if this baby will go the distance or not.  I think being ignorant of the pitfalls of pregnancy during the first go-around was bliss.  Then, there was no doubt that I would have a baby and that baby would be healthy and wonderful*.

I don't know if I could handle anything less than perfection a second time around.  I'm thirty-three years old.  I don't know how much more daring-do I've got left.

And then, of course, is the second emotion floating in my head...  That I'm betraying Boo.  That he'll think I'm replacing him, my sunshine.  When initially trying to convince Erik that a second child would be a good idea, I would cajole him with "I've got two arms."  And that's true, and there's no limit on loving your child/ren.  You just do until it pours out of you and it feels like it will rip you apart with its intensity.  But what if Boo doesn't see that?  What if he gets petty and jealous and angry (and I know he will for a while - it's a normal response) with me forever?  What if he sees it as me turning my back on him?  He's such a momma's boy, my boy.  I don't want to lose his love.  And I know I won't, not for having another child.

But these are my fears.  I want to things right (but I won't aim for perfection because THAT ideal doesn't really exist).  In the end, all I've got will be my family, warts and all.  I want there to be love and trust and understanding.  I want Boo to know that I'll always be there for him, as well as Baby #2, for as long as I have breath in my body.   

*(And now, 2 1/2 years later, he has surpassed any speculation or expectations.  Boo is a gift.  A sassy, sassy gift.)

implications

Considering how long the idea of another has been pinging around in my head, and these past since months have been ones of trying...  It's odd that now, finally, I'd be freaking out a little.  Like, dude, I know what to do with ONE.  What do I do with TWO? 

Maybe it's a little getting ahead of ourselves.  I mean, there's a whole new calendar year to roll around before we get to that.  There's already been discussion of how we're going to set everything up.  Our house is SMALL.  Finn's bed takes up so much room as it is...

And Finn's such a momma's boy.  I have no idea how he's going to take it.  At three, will he understand what it means to share, and that by sharing, it doesn't mean he's loved any less?  Oh I hope, I hope, I hope.

Until then, say a prayer, hope a little hope, think good thoughts, and breathe.