discouragement

Is the Universe trying to tell me something?  Is it saying, "Lady, you've got to learn to be more patient.  We're watching you with Boo, and sometimes it's wicked stupid the things that make you angry."  And maybe, if it is, it's right.

There are things, since the miscarriage, that I have had to deal with.  For the most part, I've learned a lot, hard lessons, humility and humble-pie...  But I still let stress and temper enter the mix, and I know it's not right.  I have a three year old.  They are button-pushers.  I have to take more deep breaths.

But then you get to the whole conception part.  The actual physical logistics of it.  And, really, you and your partner have to both be on track.  At the right time.  I try not to be frustrated because I know that sometimes that's just the way it is.  Maybe it's the Universe's way of telling me to slow down.  Other times, it just feels like I'm married to the only man in the world who can't just stick his dick in a wet hole and ejaculate.

Yet I don't want it to boil down to that.  I think for any child to truly be made, the two involved need to be connected, whether in mind or spirit (as well as body, obviously).  When I got pregnant with Boo and with the Baby That Wasn't a Baby, there was that connection.

It's just so hard to keep trying.  I keep feeling the clock ticking.

shedding

Day one of period.  Still not pregnant.

I think the dream I had the other night where I went to my doctor and she said I'd conceived but still wasn't pregnant was a true one.

A +

I'm all excited...  One of my bestest friends got a positive pregnancy test.  First kid.  She pretty much just got off birth control, and her and her husband weren't even actively trying.  But there you have it.  The plus sign, the double lines, whatever indication the test showed...  Pregnant.

I am super stoked for her.  I hope everything goes well and smoothly.  I even had a dream where I just WAVED a pregnancy test stick at her and double lines showed up.  Precognition?  Maybe.  Sometimes happenings and truths show up in my dreams.

And yes, I know, this blog has turned into the Baby Obsession Blog...  But this is the only place I can go and just dump.  And this is the stuff that's on my mind.  Other stuff, sure, obviously there is that...  There's ALWAYS something else.  But this thing with babies...  Yeah.  It's definitely a thing.  I fucking love babies.

obsession?

I'm not late.  In fact, I'm due in 5-7 days.  But I feel bloated.  My boobs hurt.  I can feel my uterus as a ball in the center of my core.

Maybe I'm pregnant.  Maybe this period will be a gusher.  Who knows?  But keep your fingers crossed for the former anyway.

effluvia

Day one of period.  Mark it down.  Keep track.

Also, the other night when I was biting into a particular piece of candy, part of the bonding on my front teeth came off.  It's not really noticeable to anyone looking at me (and who really stares at my teeth or smile hard enough TO notice?), but I feel like a huge freakin' snaggletooth.  But I stopped going to my old dentist because of some rudeness incidents that happened with my old bakery manager (yes, we had the same dentist), and I haven't been to the dentist since.  Yes, bad, I know.

However, NOW I can't really go until all my OTHER medical bills of past are taken care of.  I can't really afford to wrack up more expenses until I pay the other ones off.  October being the clusterflock that it was didn't really help.  I also need to go see the eyedoctor.  Oh joy.

So, here I sit, feeling funky of tooth, even if it isn't so.  I think that's an apt metaphor for life, actually...