the end result is still the same, isn't it?

I think one of the things that bugs me about having a c-section for this baby is that I feel like I'm being looked down upon, made into less of a "warrior woman," because of it.  I mean, yes, I do honestly think that there is too much hospital intervention when it comes to birthing and that a goodly percent of women are woefully undereducated when it comes to their own pregnancies/birthing...  And I DO agree that a natural birth is, well, the way it's supposed to go...  

But what happens when it doesn't go that way at all?  What happens when you've HAD medical intervention?  Does having another c-section make my birthing experience any less valid?  Does it mean I'm less of a mother because I didn't push the kid out vaginally?  It's a vicious backlash, and it almost seems as if, in some circles, you're looked down upon for "taking the easy way out".  Trust me, nothing about a c-section is easy.  

Y'know, I'm glad there are more sites and more ways to access proper information.  I am glad of the resurgence of midwifery and of women's empowerment.  I am.  I am just not one of those women who will  be partaking of that particular brand of empowerment.  I am still trying to be okay with that, and I think that has more to do with the guilt of NOT pursuing it than the actual procedure itself.  I've already BEEN cut open once.  I know how it goes.

And that surge of love you feel when you first feel that baby placed into your arms?  Well, I'm pretty damn sure that's not any different, no matter how the baby's been delivered.  

report

We have now hit 16 weeks!  The 20 week ultrasound has been scheduled!  

I had another ultrasound at 12 weeks because the heartbeat was impossible to find via doppler.  Baby made a good profile and was proven to be growing on track.  Apparently the placenta was shown to be low-lying, so if I have any bleeding or whatnot, obviously I will be calling my doctor.

However, as of this latest doctor's appointment, the bean is still doing just fine.  Maybe measuring nearly a week ahead of schedule, but I'm cool with that.

I even managed to lose a pound in these past four weeks.  Don't ask me how.  It's not like I'm not eating.  But I'm not complaining, at any rate.  I expect to gain weight toward the end, so I'll take whatever respite I have currently.  Heh.

It still feels surreal.  And then I wonder how we're going to deal with two children.  Guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.  Until then, we'll just keep getting Boo used to the idea that he'll be a big brother...  One who is absolutely convinced he's going to have a sister.  He's got a 50/50 chance of being right.

deposit

Guess this is really happening.  Hello baby.

Of course, with the intense nausea (almost horked it this morning after a coughing fit), the super sensitive nose, the amazing amounts of fatigue, the intense hunger, the enlarged and ultra-tender breasts, and the figuring out the heart flutters, there pretty much HAD to have been something in there.  This is gonna be a tough ride, for sure. 

Boo was there, and he was very curious what those pictures were.  Erik and I told him it was a little baby inside mommy's tummy, and now he keeps asking to look at my tummy so he can see the baby.  It's so cute.  I just hope he doesn't feel like we love him any less.  I hope he doesn't feel displaced or cheated because, oh, I love him so much, and if it weren't for him, I may have given up on so many things quite a while ago.  He's my lovebug, my sweetie pie, my Baby Boo.  He's my sunshine.

fluttering

This is an aspect I hadn't anticipated.  I'm having a thumpy heartbeat and even heart palpitations sometimes so bad that I nearly faint.  While at work.  This is what I call Not Good.

Got my first doctor's appointment tomorrow, and while I won't be seeing my OB/GYN (rather, a general family practice dr), I will definitely be asking about it.  I can't NOT work, and I'm scared as well as really sick of not feeling 100%.  Luckily I work part of my shift with some understanding ladies, but still, that won't save me if I faceplant on the floor for the other part where I work with early 20s men.  Gah.

I could even deal with the nausea better if I didn't have the heart thing going on.  *sigh*  I'm no good with not being at 100%.

positivity

Barring an ultrasound to prove yea or nay about an actual embryo, I am most definitely pregnant.  I'm late, I'm bloated and crampy, my boobs hurt like whoa (and holy hell, those nipples stick up like little soldiers!), I'm tired beyond belief, and the nausea has suddenly hit.

Buckle your seat belts and hang on.  I'm only at five weeks.  First doctor's appointment is March 6th...

little wishes

I'm just going to go ahead and dare to hope.

And then shit bricks because the reality of having to deal with Boo plus a baby is utterly terrifying.  He's such a strong personality and sometimes very, very frustrating to deal with!

But, for now, I'm late, the tests report positive, and I'm crossing my fingers for the best possible outcome.  Because, dammit, I want to dare to dream.

preemptive

Not even late, but two pg tests, one on Saturday and one today have both said it's a positive.

So, uh, body, catch that?  Please stay that way?

Maybe it helps that this time I'm actually a bit freaking out, thinking of the reality instead of the cushy fantasy?  Either way, whoa, this would be big.  And awesome.  Making me big and awesome.

Crossing my toes.